VR Porn Short Reviews: The Last Fucking Jedi

Image: After the Premier

Perhaps the most important event in popular culture this week is the release of the eighth film from the Star Wars saga, and the second of the third trilogy. If we follow the patterns and rumors, “The Last Jedi” is supposed to be this generation’s equivalent of “The Empire Strikes Back”: darker, gloomier, and bound to portray a triumph of the dark side. It’s all part of how these dramatic films work, and the ground is being prepared for a triumphant return in the last film.

Even if you aren’t a big fan of Disney’s overly commercial approach to continuing and distributing the work of George Lucas, you just can’t miss the release of such a massive cultural phenomenon. It’s this month’s cinematic zeitgeist and the movie everyone will be talking about at the Christmas dinner, so you really don’t want to be left behind. Some people would go as far as calling this new Star Wars release “better than sex” – and this is exactly where they’re wrong!

If you have a special cosplay Star Wars fantasy, then this might be the film for you. Image: After The Premiere

It’s common to find parodies and extended universes that VR porn studios generously create, as they usually stimulate the imagination of fans in ways that are a lot more satisfying than the story of Kylo Ren. Would you rather see an epic fight between Rey and the forces of evil, or see the young Jedi getting boned in a situation that’s so pleasant that she wouldn’t ever use the force to get away? Well, that’s exactly what I thought.

But today’s film will not have any lightsaber duels or mind control tricks. There is no confrontation between a small libertarian rebel group and a monopolistic authoritarian empire. It’s all about good times, hardcore sex, and a shared experience with somebody who turns out to love Star Wars just as much as you do. So if you’d like to experience using the force of the cock instead of your Jedi skills, then set up your VR headset and get ready to press “play”!

“After the Premiere” by VirtualRealPorn

You know what’s even better than going to the Star Wars premiere and being able to not get spoilers from your friends and coworkers for the subsequent days? Well, it has to be going to the movie with your lovely significant other and sharing the experience. And if you want to make it, even more, geekier and appropriate among hardcore fans of George Lucas’ universe, then the two of you must cosplay some of the characters.

Upon returning after the premiere, your Star Wars superfan girlfriend Lola Rae (who is conveniently dressed in a beautiful stormtrooper one-piece) acts like a five-year-old on Christmas Eve. To her, this whole situation of going to the first screening of her favorite space-themed franchise is extremely exciting. As a matter of fact, her participation to the premiere has turned her on so much that she decided not to wear underwear… which unavoidably led to some intimate moments in the theatre when she viciously masturbated to the idea of being so privileged to see a Star Wars premiere!

A stormtrooper gets on top of a Jedi Knight? This must be quite a disturbance in the force. Image: After The Premiere

And you know all of these facts because she is an honest British gal who associates geeky pleasures with sex. To her, the intellectual secretion of dopamines must be accompanied by a proportional amount of sexual stimulation. That’s why she makes sure that she arouses you with her masturbation story and brings you back to reality: she’s one needy lady who wants to celebrate this great cultural event in her life with an epic round of equally-memorable sex. Can you blame her, though?

Lola Rae wastes no time and pulls into bed. From this point onwards, you will have an intense yet lazy affair with the petite all-natural British brunette.

After the introductory scene, which gets presented to us through an interesting voyeur exposition which reveals that you’re wearing a Jedi robe, the action is moved into the bedroom. According to Lola, this wasn’t the greatest Star Wars film from the whole franchise, but it was still worthwhile and a good reason to celebrate with an intimate fuckfest. She got horny in the theatre, masturbated in there while probably thinking of you, and is not free to unleash all of her sexual force on your thick cock.

In the bedroom, however, Lola becomes a little more silent than you thought she would be. Maybe that you’d assume that her British-accented voice would resound with geeky quotes from Star Wars. But no, her mouth is way too busy giving passionate blowjobs, and the orgasmic sounds she makes are the optimal replacement for references to the black star you’re relentlessly pounding.

There is some fingering, teasing, and masturbation involved too, but it occupies far less time than the hardcore sex itself. And the petite Brit makes quite an effort to generously ride you until exhaustion in cowgirl and reverse cowgirl positions. This must be exactly what she was thinking about while rubbing her clitoris in the theatre during the movie. Well, either this or she is genuinely aroused by the Star Wars universe.

Lola does her best to unleash her inner dark side and satisfy you with her kinkiness, but her effort isn’t quite enough to save this film from the empire of mediocrity.

While this is good, it could have been executed a lot better. Too bad for the performers’ individual efforts. Image: After The Premiere

If anything, this 30-minute flick by VirtualRealPorn feels rushed, underproduced, and a wasted potential. Since they cast a native English speaker, they could have written a witty script with references to the film that make us geek out. They could have made a better use of the cosplay by involving some role-playing in which you’re the Jedi and Lola Rae is the hopeless imperial trooper who is bound to get destroyed by your lightsaber.

There is just so much that the studio could have done in order to create an impressive experience for Star Wars fans, but it seems as if they rushed production and gave us an unpolished product that doesn’t really live up to its full potential. Furthermore, the sex scenes are also too limited for what could have been done, and unsatisfactory by the standards of late 2017: there are only two sexual positions that you will be getting action from, and they’re cowgirl and reverse cowgirl. There is no doggy style and no missionary, and your role is pretty static while Lola does all the hard work.

However, just because the film is pretty basic in presentation and production, it doesn’t mean that it’s bad. There are many satisfying moments in which the British brunette totally lives up to the expectations that you might have. She’s gorgeous, energetic, and seems willing to put a lot of work just to make you happy. But it takes two to tango, and the second partner who should have done a better job is the studio itself. Given the fact that we’re talking about VirtualRealPorn and they’re among the pioneering studios of the genre, there is no doubt that their effort could have been greater and more oriented towards the excellence of the final product.

“After the Premiere,” tells an interesting story that’s likely to happen to Star Wars couples worldwide. But its mundane character and lack of production efforts take away from its potential and make it eligible for an 8 out of 10 rating.

In a nutshell, this particular virtual reality porn effort is an average hardcore experience that also doesn’t manage to accomplish its mission of making Star Wars geeks happy. The dialogue is minimalistic and probably meant to only establish the “excuse” for having sex, and the degree of immersion is minimal. First of all, it’s hard to identify with the protagonist after you see what he looks like in the first seconds of film, from a voyeur perspective. Secondly, there isn’t a visible effort to make you feel like you’re embodying the guy. It feels a little confusing, awkward, and alienating.

It’s a real shame that this film doesn’t have enough diversity or geeky Star Wars references. It had a lot of potential. Image: After The Premiere

The efforts of Lola Rae and Potro de Bilbao are meritorious, but not enough to save this one from borderline mediocrity. Take away the brief Star Wars talk and costumes, and you only get a basic hardcore scene with intensive use of the missionary position. There are no twists, there are no reasons to feel tension in the air, and there aren’t any major changes of pace to surprise you. This is as elementary as it gets in terms of presenting hardcore action, but at least you get a slight movie premiere vibe.

It’s very likely that the next couple of weeks will be filled with Star Wars releases, and maybe that the subsequent films will be both better in terms of hardcore action and geekier. But for the time being, After the Premiere is a nice warmup for all the space fantasy sex that we will be getting in the near future. If you’ve always wanted to have sex with a sexy storm trooper while being dressed like a Jedi, then this is your flick. On a second thought though, the same studio has “Rogue Cum” and “Convention Day” which also revolve around Star Wars themes, but are far superior. May the force be with you!