Up and coming Roomscale VR – Conan Exiles

Image credit: Conan Exiles

A REAL game with porn is finally coming our way!

Okay, first of all, hold up. I’ve mentioned some other games that are clearly intended for porn, that obviously work with the Vive and Rift. CM3D2, Honey Select, VR Titties, La Douche, and several others. So why does that statement sound like this kinda backtracks over all of them? Well, first of all, this is an actual game; it’s not all about porn, pussy, sausage, fucking, or what have you. It’s a game first, and a soft-core porn second. Conan Exiles is the bastard offspring of Ark and Rust. It’s in early access on steam, so there’s a lot of stuff missing, so it’s not really even a game yet, right? Wrong… At this point, it’s developed enough to where you can run around, meet the locals, murder them, enslave them, SACRIFICE THEM TO THE GODS, or if you’ve got the munchies… Eat them… And you can do it all butt-ass naked… That’s right, big dick swingin’ in the breeze while you leisurely stroll over dismembered corpses, or huge tits bouncing around as you run across the desert or through a jungle swinging your ax! Or, perhaps you prefer the opposite… Beefcake with a baby dick? Tiny chick with a flat chest? Whatever floats your boat…

Starting off with Character Creation.

Character Creation is pretty standard – height, weight, physical features, etc… You can change the face, hair, eyes, nose, and all the generic stuff. Pretty much everything you’d expect.

You can even change how big your character’s pecker is! That’s right folks, your own personal Conan can be a well-muscled, well-hung raging barbarian full of testosterone who has come to crush his foes and set right the evils of the world… Or he can have a baby dick that doesn’t even hang past his balls and just want revenge on the world for a lifetime of ridicule! Enslavement, human sacrifice, murder, and cannibalism are just another day in life. You decide!!!

But wait, there’s more!

Of course, there’s more! I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes when I roll RPGs, I get tired of staring at man-ass, so I play a female character. You get pretty much all the same standard sliders here, but I’m only going to cover the only one that matters. TITTY SIZE!
As you can see, you can have flappy little chimp tits or full-sized melons… Or anything in between… Maybe you want to play the sultry queen who has come to liberate the realm… Or maybe as the angry feminazi who hates the world because she keeps getting mistaken for a dude. Who knows?

A character made, let’s play.

I do like the shape… But apparently, I’m a criminal… Strangling a money-lender, freeing slaves, and breaking the 4th wall? Yeah, I can live with that. The intro is kinda snazzy, and there’s not much VR to do yet because everything’s been menu-based so far.  Time to spawn in… And listen to a long story about random stuff that I’ve already forgotten.

Well, I was going to start collecting stuff… But hell with it… I’ll just stare at my toes for a bit… No nail polish? Damnit, my tits are in the way. 😀  Ahh, voluptuous barbarian problems… So, it was at this point that I began my journey into the unknown area I was dropped into. Needless to say, there were freaks and monsters-a-plenty that I won’t bore you with the details of. It’s all pretty standard RPG fare. One nice feature this game does have is animal life. Rabbits, deer… Stuff to hunt that doesn’t necessarily fight back… Go forth, murder countless irrelevant mobs, collect loot, build some random stuff… Of course, there’s a 3rd-person view. Sadly, the camera seemed to be locked with regards to where you could view from… But it’s still a nice view.

A while later, I inadvertently stumbled across free camera 3rd person mode. Pro-tip, press V.

And RAWR! Barbarian pussy! Oh, the things I’d been missing in the free cam mode… Now, that being said, at this point, I’ve progressed semi-decently into the game. I’ve got a supply of iron, medium armor, and a nice little 2-story built… I know I mentioned something about slaves earlier and I had just gotten to the point where I’d captured my first and had her on the “wheel of pain” monkey-training device, and was hoping to turn her into one of my first “dancing girls.” Yeah.. That’s right. Capture and enslave naked chicks and then make them dance for you in your throne room.

Epic lifestyle, right?

Well, it’s not as easy as you might think and pretty damn time-consuming. This game has a whole subsystem devoted to “Thralls” aka slaves… And yeah, you’re going to need some. There’s things that need to be crafted that take forever and a day, and without a thrall to do the work, you’re going to spend that forever and a day crafting stupid little stuff that for whatever reason is way too important for the big stuff. Anyways, wheel of pain aside, and waiting on the “thrall” to be broken on the wheel of pain, which takes a while… I’ve finally got my very first “slave.”

My first Slave….

So yeah, I was a little disappointed with this catch. An anorexic chick in a loin cloth… And she can’t even dance… Sadly, each of the thralls seems to have a pre-set “class” specialty as far as what they’re good at, and it’s still too much of an Early Access title for me to be able to issue her orders or equipment. However, she did make a nice guard. Hopefully, FunCom will get things developed rather quickly and you’ll be able to assign them to various tasks or re-train them. That being said, there are several tasks they can do – smithing, leatherworking, woodworking, cooking, archers, guards, dancers. I really wish that games like space engineers, mine craft, and other RPGs had capturable slaves that could be set to perform some stupid task, even if it’s just standing around. Those games really start feeling “empty” after a while because there’s no one else there. Conan Exiles does not have that problem, and it’s a nice, refreshing problem not to have… Side note, apparently the NPC’s without weapons are the priests/dancers that you want to KO and capture… Now to go find one or two… Dozen…

But… This doesn’t seem like Porn. Or VR.

That’s slightly true. But mostly false. This is a game where one could quite easily build their own mead hall and staff it with naked big-tittied chicks dancing in a perpetual barbarian rave. To me, having 10 or so naked women dancing on the table while you walk around and enjoy the show in your room makes for a pretty decent porn experience. The fact that there’s actual gameplay that’s enjoyable? Yeah. I’m sold on it. The best part about this game is that it runs off the exact same engine that ARK does. ARK is getting native VR support (slowly, but it’s happening). That means that it will work on this game as well. Now, I did end up with a “free” copy before buying the game on Steam, and interestingly enough, that “free” copy launched Steam VR and woke up my Vive every single time I turned it on. Now, that “free” version is a 21gb download. Yeah, 21 gigabytes… And it’s still got quite a few issues. Or, you could do like I did and run it in VorpX. Turning on the free camera lets you go pretty much anywhere, which is nice because as the game does not have “proper” VR support yet, the head tracking is a bit wonky.

The Verdict…  It’s a 50/50 right now…

In its current stage, most people will be quite happy spending $30 for it. You don’t get anything special, there are definitely features missing from the game, and it’s an early access title. However, for those that are willing to spend money on an underdeveloped game that’s getting near-constant updates, that may or may not break your saved files and worlds. This may be a good waste of cash for you. One thing to note, though. Playing this game on the “standard” settings is a bit frustrating. The number of resources it takes to build anything is pretty high, and the collection rate and XP gain rates are both pretty slow. I’d highly recommend finding a friend to play with or turning the server settings for XP gain and resource drops way up. Combat is intense and brutal and even at higher “levels”, you can still find yourself as a recipient of your ass if you make stupid decisions fairly often. The butt-naked avenger without any armor is going to have a fairly short lifespan, especially against archers. Now, if you’re a half-way decent shot with a bow and you play with a bit of strategy luring your enemies in by tagging them with the bow? You’re going to have an easy time butchering nearly everything in your path. Well, except for perhaps skeletons, dragons, or the “bosses” in the game.

If you enjoy tits and ass,

As well as some dancing, good music, the Conan movies, RPGs, light city building, etc… This is a great early access title. Might as well get it while it’s new. Hell, I bought Minecraft back before Redstone was implemented. I’m not saying that this will be the next “Minecraft”, but I’ve seen what a game can turn into when the devs are serious about making something worthwhile. Besides, name another game you can run down a naked dude and pound him into a bloody pulp… Those nuts offend me… I must smash them… With this club…