Kiiroo Onyx and Virtual Porn – Honest Review

Image Credit: Kiiroo

Surprise! Some generous soul decided to send me a Kiiroo Onyx to do a review on! What’s a Kiiroo Onyx? It’s some kinda electronic vagina thingie that connects to your computer and lets you feel the action in the porn video’s you’re watching! Or does it? Well here’s my experience with the contraption.. As always, a TLDR version is at the end of the post for those of you who just want an answer.

So, today I got a box on my doorstep that looked like it had been beat to hell. I mean damn, what warzone did it get sent out of? There wasn’t even a return address on the box and it looked like it was a previously use, re-used, and then used again amazon box. Not a great first impression. Anyways, I opened the box up and everything inside appeared to be fine, there’s a black coffin of a box inside it with nice red foil lettering on it that said Kiiroo Onyx. The color scheme of the packaging and the device is definitely attractive.

Opening the box up, I was a bit surprised at how big this thing is. It’s about the size of a 1 liter bottle, only a cube. It’s also heavy and feels pretty solid. It was a bit scuffed up and probably should have had some sort of bag or some kind of protective plastic covering it during shipping. The fleshlight sleeve inside was ironically the only part that was actually wrapped in a plastic baggie. Oh well. Inside the box were two cards. One had a link to the online manual, the other is a registration card with a serial number. Apparently the registration card lets you get to the goodies and activate the warranty and download the “platform” whatever that is… So, off to go find the manual.

Well, the manual contains information about the device, small surprise. There’s one button on the front that supposedly does everything. As per the instructions, I pressed and held the small red power button for several seconds, aaannnd, nothing.. Great. Needs to be charged. No problem, I stuck it on the charger for an hour. Gave me time to go get the “platform software”…   Well, wouldn’t you know, it’s not for the PC, instead, it gave me a link and set up the software on my cellphone.. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I was a bit put off by this. I wanted to watch VR porn on my Vive, not on my old LG G3, and I sure as hell didn’t want any extra “alerts” from some random program. So, after much contemplation and a visit to the porcelain throne thinking I’d been shafted on a freebie, I decided to google Kiiroo Platform.. What do you know.. There’s a link there to the PC version of the software to run this thing that is NOT on Kiiroo’s website..  Well, it is, but there’s no way to find it that I found, outside of google. It was at www.Kiiroo.com/Download/ and was available for both windows and mac. Before I put it on the charger, I decided to take it apart.

It comes apart really easily and would be ridiculously easy to clean. Despite the earlier issues with the software, I was pretty impressed with the design and fairly obvious quality of the device. Seriously, no instructions required here.

Anyways, I finally got the platform software, ran it, and what do you know.. Already an update for it which means you have to download it again.. Anyways, finally got the software installed and then I got the nice little error message “Bluetooth not installed”…

So yeah, back to the box I went.. No Bluetooth Dongle.  This is a $200+ product, and it does not come with a Bluetooth USB dongle.. They’re $6 on e-bay. $3 from china, and $20 at Best Buy plus a 40 minute round trip drive… But there is not one in the box… Perhaps I’m a bit presumptuous, but I do feel like that should have been included as it’s necessary for the operation of the device.. I realized a day later that this is perhaps why they switched to a phone based platform rather than PC.

So, at least an hour has gone by since I’ve plugged this thing in and left to go get ass-raped, I mean buy an overpriced Bluetooth dongle at Best Buy. There should definitely be enough juice to get this thing connected and check it out for a couple minutes. Right? Well, maybe not. The light was still blinking fast which means low battery? So anyways, I figured after an hour I had enough juice to at least connect, that’s when I found out there’s a passcode to connect the device to your computer, which is of course, just like the bluetooth dongle, is nowhere to be found.

Now, one would expect that something simple like that would be in the box, or in the online instruction manual, but it’s not.. A $200 device and they can’t even tell you what the freaking pin number is.. Thankfully, there’s google, and there’s this guide. 1234. Yep, that’s the pin number to connect. So, anyways, I get the thing to launch with the platform and it immediately goes into a “firmware update” mode without ANY prompt.. Seeing those dreaded words always freaks me out a bit because it’s a great way to turn any electronic item into a really expensive brick. I instantly regret my decision not to fully charge the Onyx and feel like I just made a huge mistake. However, I guess I lucked out because the firmware update went through quickly. Just like the device reassembles. Speaking of which, yes, you have to disassemble the device to plug it in to charge.. What kind of sadist does that?

The USB charging port is the little black slot on the left.. Seriously? Underneath the sleeve? Well, I guess it keeps the unit sealed and you’re not supposed to use it plugged in anyways, so… So yeah, it was a bad spot to put the USB port. Later, after using it, the sleeve pulled out of the thing a couple of times, and there was definitely a chance for lube to get in to the charging port.

So anyways, Checking the device out in manual mode. There’s a red button that does everything. Hold it down for 4 seconds to power the device on. In mode 1, you can stroke your finger along the shiny part just above the power button and the Onyx squeezes pretty damn tight, following the path your finger takes and at the speed you go. Press the button again and it starts doing it’s own thing fast an hard. That’s mode 2. A third press of the button gets you a squeeze, a pause, and another squeeze and pause… The noises it makes.. It sounds like robo-cop trying to jerk off..

The shiny surface is magic. You touch it, and the inside squeezes..

On to some VR Porn and fun right? Not so fast…

FREE BONUS ALERT!         VirtualRealPorn Player

So, there’s this thing you need called VirtualRealPlayer in order to watch stuff AND use the Onyx. It’s a video player designed to sync with the Onyx and let you feel the action that’s going on the screen. There’s even a free video, and it happens to be one of my favorites… Go figure. If you have a Vive, you need to go into the config folder for the player and edit the configuration setting and change the OVR entry to SVR. It’s easy enough to find. VRmode, 4th line down. That sets it to launch SteamVR. The great thing is that the player works. Simply download and copy the video into the “videos” folder and viola! Execute, steam VR launches smoothly, and you’re on the way to watching a video in VR. I told you guys that a free version of this was coming, someone just had to make it. No more having to buy Virtual Desktop just to watch movies. So yeah, a free bonus for everyone!!! It doesn’t have all the features, but it works and you don’t have to pay for it.

And then reality kicked me in the nuts. After about two hours of fiddling around with various settings and browsing the internet, I still could not get the Onyx to work with the video player. It was extremely frustrating to say the least. Every thing available for this device is available at an extra cost. There aren’t any real freebies or demo content for it, and it does not appear to work like it’s implied to. I certainly didn’t feel any action during the video aside from putting the device in manual mode. I even tried downloading the ultra high quality 6.2gb file instead of the standard 1080. Nothing. All in all, the VR video connectivity aspect of this device filled me with soul crushing disappointment. After all the effort of trying to get this thing to work and failing, I decided to call it quits. Yes, there’s a support number to call, but they charge you for tech support. Who does that?

After failing so miserably at finding some VR Video to watch, I began looking for VR Games to play, there’s gotta be something out there right? Well, it turns out there is. Red Light Center, and ThriXXX’s Chathouse 3d. Sadly, although the games support the Kiiroo, they don’t allow you to interact with the “character”, you basically have to meet someone else in the game that has a Pearl and start a session with them. While that’s a lot of fun, it also means that the Onyx is near-useless until you actually find someone else (Hopefully female?) who’s spent a bunch of money on a Pearl. That means it basically boils down to having random webcam sex with a person’s avatar, rather than just hooking up direct through cams. Wah wah waaaahhh… Sadly, this doesn’t do it for me, because I’ve got this buddy who’s dad pretends to be someone he isn’t online and the thought just gives me nightmares… If I can’t see the person, I assume it’s a 65 year old dude…

I was about to give up all hope at this point and declare this thing a complete waste, but I did find one small ray of hope. The Kiiroo “Pleasure hub” on the Kiiroo “Platform” software did have one small link to Flicker.TV hidden away under it’s adult video’s section. In it was a link to three plain old 2d HD videos. They weren’t anything special, but they did show me that the Onyx DOES work like it should, that I had it set up right, and it’s not just a defective unit which I was kinda hoping. I did end up going on a cam site where a gal had a Pearl and got connected with her via the Onyx and webcams. It was definitely different. For a couple that’s separated, this thing could definitely keep them in touch, even though it’s rather awkward to use at first. At anyrate, the girl seemed to have fun and even offered a couple of tips on how to use it. Apparently first-time users are somewhat common. Aside from her getting naked and us fucking over the internet, we had some laughs about the Onyx and the troubles in setting it up as well as how to use it. I tipped her the rest of the coins in the account when I was done. It was a novel experience, but not one I plan on repeating.

Now, finally to test it out.. Well, the results were.. Disappointing to say the least. Not only does the Kiiroo fail to feel like a vagina, the constant whirring and “Your move, creep!” noises.. Okay, not the actual quote, but the noises were definitely enough to be a serious distraction. The device is DEFINITELY not hands free. You’re going to have to hold it in place, and if you’re under 5″, you’re going to be missing out on half the action. If you’ve got a lot of girth, you’re going to have problems with the hole and the sleeve pulling out with your dick. It did feel okay, but it certainly didn’t make me cum nearly as quick as the fleshlight knockoff did, and quite honestly, there were points I was a bit bored. Not sure if that was a result of being slapped back into watching 2d porn or the fact that it felt like I was fucking robocop with the noises or what, but I’d rate the pure physical sensation only slightly better than my hand. Yet it was far less convenient. Cleanup wasn’t bad, but it’s a lot more work than just tossing a tissue. Waiting for the device to dry, having to powder it.. Meh…

Here’s a couple of nice features. The replacement fleshlight sleeves are available for the device for less than $10 each. If you wear one out, it’s a relatively cheap fix. The online connectivity between two people is secured via a 6 digit alphanumeric passcode, so the odds of you “crossing streams” with someone are.. Well, if it happens, you’ll probably be the only person ever to experience it.. Ever.. The Onyx is also very well built, and it does NOT look like a sex toy. Honestly, it looks more like an alarm clock or one of those amazon things that you talk to. It comes with a 1 year warranty, and feels like it’s really well built.. Kiiroo’s old “Platform” is easy to use and had links to various sites and services.

The Verdict!!!!

1. IF, a developer would bother to mod this thing so it would work with games themselves rather than being forced to pair to another device. This thing could be awesome for games like Honey Select, Play Club, ThriXXX games, and others.
2. IF, the video player for VirtualRealPorn worked the way it should have with 180 and 360 video. Don’t get me wrong, the player itself works great for just watching downloaded video, it just doesn’t work with the Onyx.
3. IF, there was some actual content for the device rather than spending $200+ on an Onyx, and then at least an extra $20, just to TRY and find something that may or may not work with the device..
4. IF, there were setup instructions. Seriously, whoever decided to launch this thing without documentation needs to be fired. There’s a lot of very BASIC NEED TO KNOW information missing with this thing.

Ultimately, I was very disappointed that this device does not live up to it’s potential, especially considering it’s cost at around $200. I want to like it, the concept is awesome, but I just can’t give it a good review because honestly, it’s just too big a pain in the ass to set up and use. This is one of those products that could have been great “IF”… But it’s not, and until it IS, you’re better off saving your cash for a GTX 1070 or better.