The Ethics of VR Porn #3 – Managing Expectations

Lana Roades and Stella Cox in Sugar Daddy

It has been about 2 years since the concept of VR porn has been introduced to the mass consumers, and the content just keeps on improving. Every month, we observe how the industry adapts to the contemporary social and cultural phenomena, while also pushing the boundaries of the former hardware limitations.

It’s probably safe to assume that this rapid growth of virtual reality might just come with the price of disrupting our perception of reality itself. And I’m not talking about a scenario like The Matrix where people actually live in a digitally-generated world where everything is controlled and humanity is enslaved by artificial intelligence. The tone of the article is not meant to be dystopian in any way. Instead, it will establish some important principles regarding how we can benefit from the amazing VR adult entertainment while also living our lives just like before.

I don’t think there’s a better way of visually describing the concept of managing expectations in the context of VR porn. The picture just speaks for itself. Image credit: Valentine’s Day Surprise

In an article published in Psychology Today, Peg Streep argues that relationships are profoundly affected if partners watch pornography, and men usually expect their partners to look and act just like the professional sex performers they adulate on a regular basis. The article, which can be consulted here, also links pornography to a higher degree of unfaithfulness and stresses that adult entertainment should not interfere with our real-life relationships. The price, of course, is the quality of our own lives and that’s why it matters so much.

We certainly don’t want our lives to take that Thomas Hobbes-ian pessimistic turn and become “nasty, brutish, and short.” And while we can all agree that VR porn is great and it entertains our weary and lonesome selves in ways nothing else does the trick, we should never cease to seek the intimacy of real partners.

In order to develop my argument about expectations, I shall divide it into smaller categories and expand on each one of them.

Issue #1: Expecting that our real sexual partners look like pornstars.

It’s no surprise that, in the era when magnificent beauty can be found and seen with only a couple of clicks, lots of people have unrealistic expectations in terms of getting a sexual partner. Our grandparents did have their daydreams for that good-looking person next door, but they managed their expectations a lot easier and settled for what they could get. It doesn’t mean that they stopped buying magazines like Playboy or Penthouse just for the sake of exploring their imaginative sexuality, but they never really expected they would score any of the supermodels they would watch.

The likeliness of ever having a girlfriend who looks as hot as any of the actresses from NaughtyAmerica‘s New Year orgy is pretty much comparable to winning the big prize at the lottery. Let’s be realistic about it, some things just don’t happen to us in this lifetime. Image credit: Fidelio

By contrast, the millennial generation (certainly the one that embraces VR with the highest degree of enthusiasm) has a more developed feeling of being special and entitled. There are many studies on the matter and there is very little evidence to deny the argument. It might be the fact that generations X, Y, and Z have grown during more prosperous and encouraging times that taught every small kid that he or she might one day become president. It might be the post-romantic Hollywood propaganda regarding the underdog who always succeeds and proves everyone wrong… in the end, it doesn’t really matter why millennials and their parents feel more deserving than the previous generations.

What should be made clear once and for all is that the likeliness of becoming the life partner of the adult performer we like to watch getting rammed by 3 sweaty men is extremely thin. There are millions of people who enjoy the same content, and it would be absolutely weird if we approached a lady (who, by the way, is a totally normal person in day to day life) and desired her intimacy just because she has sex for a living. It’s demeaning, degrading, and wrong: and it further means that there are no chances of succeeding like this. Furthermore, how can we desire a relationship with a human being that we don’t even know in person and whose problems we can’t understand? The whole idea is shallow and fundamentally wrong.

On the other hand, we should be aware that pornstars wear a lot of make-up and make use of tricks to look better than the average lady. Sure, most of them are very well endowed by mother nature and could pass as bona fide fashion models. But watching somebody who is completely out of reach shouldn’t make you want to find a partner who looks identically or similarly. We should learn to see the beauty in the partners we can have and who desire our intimacy.

Issue #2: Expecting that our real-life partner(s) should perform like pornstars.

A real girlfriend would never accept to do what Megan Rain does here: have her anal cavity screwed and get exposed in front of two other women. Image credit: Zombie Slayers

I’ll make it plain and simple: the whole idea is stupid. Just because a professional paid performer agrees to have viciously-intense anal and become submissive to the point where it becomes humiliating, it doesn’t mean that we should treat our dates, girlfriends, and life partners the same way. If sex gets nasty or humiliating for either side, then it should be a mutually-agreed and consensual undertaking, not a spontaneous decision that can harm somebody’s dignity and destroy what could have been a lasting and rewarding relationship.

Virtual reality porn exposes us to lots of sexual practices that look extremely realistic and feel immersive. If we genuinely believe that we are in the same room with the adult performers and can almost feel their touches, we should be constantly aware that real sex will probably never be like that. A real woman won’t swallow your load unless she feels like it and finds some pleasure in ingesting semen. Similarly, the intensity and length of the sexual act cannot be as great as in porn: it’s like expecting to lift 500-pound barbells just like the professionals who work out every day of their lives.

In a way, we have to get used to our profoundly average nature and progressively get better as a result of a team effort that includes our real partners. Making them perform something they dislike or find demeaning will never do good to the relationship itself, and we have to be aware of these facts. After all, we aren’t the lean well-hung men with Greek god looks either, so we shouldn’t demand the impossible from our partners.

Issue #3: Expecting the virtually impossible and unlikely events to happen.

VR porn is filled with scenarios that can only happen in our wildest dreams. From the stepmother who craves for your cock and takes you for a ride when you expect it the least, and all the way to the neighbor who knocks on your door and spontaneously decides to have sex with you, there are many plots that we will probably never get. The same goes for the horny secretary, the lady who ordered pizza with extra sausage, the massage parlor lady who feels extra horny, and the nurse.

A threesome with your girlfriend’s stepmom? Well, that’s not how real life works. Image credit: Young Couple Learn from Mother

The psychology behind adult content involves drawing inspiration from our daily situations and create events that we might have thought about but never considered possible. It’s just very easy to market a naughty schoolgirl film since so many horny males would actually have sex with one of those bad students. But it doesn’t mean that it’s okay to simply become a sex offender because you experienced that kind of behavior in virtual reality porn.

Now, the situation gets a lot more complicated in the case of BDSM. What is taboo and disgusting to somebody might just be the holy grail to orgasm for somebody else. That’s why we should maintain a good communication with our real partners and make sure we don’t try to turn them into our favorite pornstar. It’s not like they won’t notice what you’re trying to do, and the most probable scenario involves a sudden and frustrating break-up.

Ultimately, we have to face it: no matter how hot and attractive we are, in real life, sex doesn’t come to us. And if somebody rips the clothes we wear and take advantage of our genitalia, then it’s guaranteed to become unpleasant, undesirable, and obscene. We only crave for something that we expect, and sexual assault can go both ways but are never pleasant (from both a physical and psychological point of view).

Great sex is the result of a mutual lust, and there’s a lot of magic in the seduction that precedes the physicality. As a matter of fact, the foreplay and the scenarios our imagination builds are often times better than the sexual encounter itself. Sexual contact isn’t everything, not even in the case of real intercourse. Instead, it’s about attraction, mystery, and desire for closeness.

In conclusion, we should be aware of all these ethical limitations and try to experience our real relationships just like our grandparents did, without being pushy in regards to actions we might have seen in VR porn.

Remember that twin sister fantasy? Well, if you ever date a girl who has one of those identical look-alikes, rest assured that you’ll never get to them for any kind of sexual encounters (unless it’s a relationship-destructive cheating). Image credit: And the Oscar Goes To

It’s very likely that many social issues will arise from this new, exciting, and immersive evolution of adult content. To the same extent, we shouldn’t be surprised if governments meddle with the medium and impose regulations, such as forced breaks after a certain amount of time or on-screen text messages that remind you that none of what you’re seeing is actually real.

At the same time, though, it’s important to know how to manage our lives after we begin consuming virtual reality pornography. We shouldn’t expect that our life partners look and act like paid sex performers, and we should never replicate the more extreme content as a way of emulating the behavior that we experienced in a digital way. 

The time is right to become aware of what we’re consuming and how it can affect our mind and expectations. Correspondingly, we should discover just how we can mix the sheer adventurous enjoyment of virtual reality porn with the beauty of a normal and decent human relationship. This is a challenge for us all and we can only hope that we fix this issue without completely overturning our social norms and ruining our sexual lives. As Aristotle implied in his famous “Nicomachean Ethics”, everything should be enjoyed in moderation!