All Mode
We all watch porn, it’s why we’re here. A lot of people got new VR systems for the holidays as gifts, and *Hopefully* haven’t had one of those embarrassing WHOOPS! moments yet where they’re about to blow their load and in walks mom to a surprise facial.. Or worse.. Dad.. And then your little sister walks by..
Now that we’ve all been seriously disturbed by that mental image, let’s take a look at some ways to keep from ever having to experience that. The problem with VRporn is that it’s REALLY immersive. You can’t watch VR porn and pay attention to everything else. So, you need to take a couple steps to protect yourself.
There’s some really obvious things to do.
- Wait till everyone’s asleep.
- Lock the door.
- Turn the sound off or make damn sure the audio output is set to headphones and they aren’t coming unplugged.
But what happens when those inconsiderate bastards just won’t go to bed, your door doesn’t have a lock on it, or you just can’t wait anymore? What else can go wrong?
Fortunately, there’s a few novel solutions to secure a room.
Doors that open outwards.
For a door that opens outwards, there’s the ancient art of the penny jam. It’s cheap, it’s easy, and it can be done quietly and discreetly. Which is exactly what we want right?
Image Credit: instructables.com
That’s right folks, for a couple cents, you can jam a door.. How does this wonderful trick work? Simply close the door. Push on the top corner of the door, which puts pressure on the latch, and insert a couple of pennies between the door and the jam as shown in the picture.. A few pennies about 12″ from the latch (part that secures the door) will suffice. Be sure to repeat the process on the bottom part of the door and put a few pennies below the latch as well. This also makes for a great prank if you simply want to lock people in their rooms as well. The nice part about this is, it’s quiet, discreet, and pennies can be found anywhere… Plus, you can take the pennies out and no one will be the wiser, but it can give you the extra and VERY critical amount of time you need to shut everything down and pull your pants up.
Doors that open inwards.
Image Credit: lifehacker.com
But what about when your door opens the other way? Well, there’s the old school wedge. The problem with a wedge, is that it can be seen from underneath the door and pushed out. That being said, a wedge can be made from about anything. Fold up a sheet of cardboard or paper enough times, and jam it between the bottom of the door, and the floor, and you’ve got a wedge. They’re simple, they’re basic, and they’re not the best.
Image Credit: lifehacker.com
The best thing to do? Make a lock out of a cheap dinner fork.. But.. What sorcery is this and how does one accomplish such a feat of magic? It’s actually pretty easy.
And where does one acquire said fork? Just swipe one from whatever restaurant you eat dinner at. Yes, yes, I know, my door has a lock on it, why did I destroy a perfectly good fork? Because my wife has a key… This is an actual LOCK. It will stop someone from getting in fairly indefinitely. Granted, they can still break the fork, but it’s not easy..
Why can’t I?
You can’t. The room you’re staying in has only one chair, so blocking the door with a piece of furniture that someone’s going to hear sliding around when they try and open a door just isn’t happening. Moving the bed isn’t going to happen either, nor is it feasible to put the computer desk directly in front of the door to block it shut, and tying a rope from the door handle to the bed frame… You don’t have any rope.. So, pennies and a stolen fork it is.
But.. The evidence!!!
Fear not, evidence can be disposed of. A trashcan is a pretty inconspicuous place to throw garbage, so just use a Kleenex or a paper towel and dispose of.. Just aim, don’t panic, and try to remember that you’re not painting the room.
But, I’m sharing a room.
Well, then I guess you won’t be enjoying stuff on VRporn.com until you get home.. That being said, if you have to rub one out.. Wait till your brother leaves the room. Sharing is not caring, he will see what VR porn is like, kick your ass, and take your new VR headset.. You’ll have to cry to mom again, and it will be like you’re 6 all over again. Unless you’re the bigger brother… Seriously though, have a little respect. If you’ve gotta do the deed, do it when you use the shower. At least there, everything washes away.
So, you know how to jam the door, you figured out when things are appropriate, you’ve demo’d some VRporn within minutes of getting your new VR headset and later that night, your parents are “very upset” with you.. What happened? Whoopsie, someone forgot to clear their browser history and got caught…
I honestly have no idea what browser you’re using, but do yourself a favor and google “how to clear my browsing history”..
Or how about this classic? You wake up the next morning and everyone’s silent. No one’s saying a word to you.. You KNOW you did everything just like you were supposed to, but you still got busted.. And they know that you know, that you got caught.. But they still won’t say anything.. Who sold you out? That damn teddy bear…
Image Credit: cctvcameradvrs.com
Seriously, beware the bear people.. Our parents have been doing this kind of 007 type stuff for years spying on us… Or rather, they had an old nanny cam that they left running thinking that it might be funny the next day… Only it wasn’t…
The Talk…
At some point, parents simply figure things out.. There really isn’t much you can do to prepare for it, because it always happens at the worst possible moment. There aren’t any good options, however there are some that are less bad…
If it’s your Mom that walks in, for god’s sake, cover it up, and say something along the lines of GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM! GOD! DON’T YOU EVER KNOCK?!?! Or not.. That’s probably about the worst thing to say.. Probably the best thing you can do is just say, “I’ll be done in a minute, please shut the door.” This will have the effect of giving your mom an out. Mom’s are funny, because she’s not going to run off freaking out and telling the whole house what she saw, because she “loves you” and doesn’t want to embarrass you.. Unless you’re mom’s a sadist.. Then you may want to use the first line… At anyrate, don’t be terribly embarrassed, just apologize to her later and move on. She want’s to forget what she saw more than you do.
If it’s your Dad that walks in… Tell him to shut the door and wait his turn. He’ll be so traumatized by what he just saw that he’ll do what you tell him to. That being said, after about 15 minutes of him being traumatized by what he just saw, he’s going to want to check it out and see what VR porn is like himself.. Don’t be surprised if there’s another VR system in the house after that.. Your brother will most likely have the same reaction as your dad if you get busted by him. Hell, he’s been stealing your porn anyways…
If it’s a sister, you really don’t have much to worry about, the first thing they’re going to do is scream MOOOOOMM!!!!, and after that, your life is over… The whole house will know of your misdeeds and what you’ve done and it will be shared with everyone your sister knows, most likely the whole planet, because like the typical girl, she probably had her phone set to live stream… Yup… So don’t get caught. Save a few pennies, steal a fork… Just don’t get caught…
Image Credit: saintsrow.wikia.com
some classic ways of not getting caught
Glad you got a laugh out of it. But yeah, some times things just need to be put out there so people remember to stop and think for a second. 🙂
lol very practical guide, thanks