It’s no secret that mankind is trying to simulate life. From the increasing amount of labour and survival mechanics in video games, to the fact that “jiggle physics” is a term that exists at all, we’re well on our way to simulating every facet of our current existence. We’re building gloves that allow you to touch things in vr, and we’re shocking tastes onto our tongues with electricity. There exists a technology to let you smell something on a screen, and the porn-synchronised Fleshlight is a thing. But all these are mere peripherals to the experience, the software configured to simulate the best part of life: sex. To that end, I’m searching for the best virtual representative of the real thing. This week, I present to you: VRTitties.
VRTitties is a sex game made by a small team and funded entirely by its Patreon donors. It can be picked up for as little as $1/mo.
Booting up VRTitties.exe starts you off by making you stare at the wall of a big, empty, way-too-bright room. Granted, this is where the main menu is, but it still feels a little strange. I don’t inspect my own walls this closely. I take a few seconds to absorb my surroundings, before turning back to the wall to read the menu.
Going down the list, we can see maybe 5 options to edit the appearance of a VRGirl to whom these VRTitties will presumably be attached, unless the “Character” option leads us to a D&D style character sheet. I familiarise myself with the controls, and make my way into the options menu to make sure my toaster isn’t going to catch fire. (Spoiler alert: VRTitties did crash once, but that was my fault. The game isn’t particularly demanding.) I make note of a “Storyline” option in the options screen, but it tells me it’s “Unavailable in Rift mode”, a statement that I instantly take offence to. Nevertheless, regardless of how the two star-crossed lovers in our story came into contact, I’m only here for one thing: Virtual Reality Titties. Or rather…
As you can see, my first port of call was to maximise both the glutes and hip sliders. I don’t recall doing this; I believe it was instinctual. However it happened, my VRGirl now had herself a phat VRAss. Sadly, maximum gluteage was still well within realistic gluteal proportions. If I wanted a RealisticAss I’d date a RealisticGirl. This is Virtual Reality damnit! I want to not be able to tell if she’s standing up or leaning on a beige beanbag. I guess I just need to wait for VRButts. However, on the titties side of things..
Now, this is all well and good, but let me just have a play around for a second…
There we go. Now we’re talking. Who cares if she has the resting bitch face of Charles Lee Ray, this is a VRGirl I wanna VRFuck. I’ll point out that, according to the sliders, she’s half pregnant. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions for that implication, but dropping the pregnant and waist sliders underneath half has her looking as though her diet includes a black hole. But still, we were only two menus down…
Crafting The Perfect VRWoman
Have you ever spent so long on a piece of art that you lose all means of reference and you can’t tell if it’s good or bad anymore? Well..
So have I. Never mind that both of those faces seemingly have a chunk taken out of their cheeks, the real problem is that I have no idea if she’s attractive or not. Was she more attractive before? Do people even look like this? Should I get out more? I think it’s a yes on all three counts, to be honest. But, I settle on this seemingly random assortment of sliders, and make my way into the Character sheet.
The first thing you might notice is that every one of these sliders and options is a girl’s name. There are no characters in VRTitties, just the one that you create, so I’m not sure why there seem to be sliders based on making your VRGirl’s face more or less like someone who you’ve never seen and have no idea if it matches her likeness or not. Nevertheless, I fiddle around with sliders for a while, and click buttons until I’m happy. I kept Hannah’s skin (which is a sentence that becomes infinitely creepier the more I read over it) and continued.
Crafting The Perfect WardVRobe
I was just thinking to myself how tired of sliders I am. Luckily for me, the wardrobe section was just buttons to apply a certain outfit or article of clothing. You could apply every piece of clothing in the game and roleplay a female version of the Michelin Man if you wanted to. But, the purpose of the wardrobe in this game is purely to adorn our VRGirl with pretty looking clothes, so let’s do that. Couple that with a haircut, and we’re ready to go.
There are plenty of outfits to choose from, and definitely worth taking a look at. I settled on something casual – not too plastic, we don’t want her looking artificial or anything. Now that the ideal woman was dressed for action, let’s get down to business. I headed back to the main menu, clicked “Scene”, and was presented with this list:
I looked up and down the list, before making my decision. “Your Desk”? Perfect! “Is your name homework ’cause I’d like to do you on my desk,” I’d say to her. She’s probably never heard that line before! I bet I’ll come off as real witty. So I hastily click that option, and I’m presented with exactly the last thing I expected to see.
This.. This is not what I expected. “Is your name Homework? Because I’d like to shrink you down to 1/15th your size and fuck you near a cup of tea so big we could dunk our feet in it,” really doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. But, it’s what the menu said, so I guess that’s my fault.
Did you ever play with dolls as a kid, and make them get naked and hump? Sure. Did they ever do it of their own accord and have realistic genitalia? Not.. as often. If I could have these two going at it on the desk while I worked, I might find myself more inclined to work. Then less inclined. Still, this wasn’t the experience I was promised, so I returned to the menu and sought out a better setting. I clicked “Night”, and prepared myself for possibly another bad decision.
Night Sex, Best Sex
As you may have learned from my last post, I like to say “No” when a porn game asks if I’d like to do something sexual. Think of it as morbid curiosity. However, unlike the VR Kanojo Demo, which just ends if you turn the girl down, this one does something a little different:
Despite the setting being similar to that of any horror game since 2005, when a pretty girl rocking a shaved side tells me I’m gonna have fun, I’m inclined to believe her. The game proceeds, and before you know it, she’s on her back with her legs spread.
This picture fails to capture everything that’s going on in the scene: looking down, I see fingers that aren’t mine moving with a mind of their own.
Turns out things are pretty realistic when you get down to it. I moved on to the next position:
And now I’m really having virtual sex. Sweet. Guess I didn’t need that killer “homework” line after all. The game continues in much the same way, cycling through positions with a little animation, with a slightly different animation if you ever press “J” for “Jizz”. If only it was always that easy.
You have the option of moving around in scenes, but the man stays right where he is – only the camera moves around. It’s pretty straight forward. Adding to that, the game supports full roomscale as well as seated mode. As of Version 19, there are 10 animations, over 10 outfits with numerous other clothing or accessories. There are variable animation speeds, including mouse control, and a sex toy control planned, but I’m not sure how much progress is being made on that.
The Vive Controllers will interact with the VRGirl’s body, too, allowing you to ‘touch’ her VRTitties. Nothing else, though, as putting them anywhere near her more solid bones will cause her to jitter, and jump, and make a face like the girl in “The Ring” in exactly the type of boner-killing way you really don’t want from a sex game.
You can also customise the man, but it’s a much more limited selection of attributes: Muscle, Stocky, and Skinny sliders, and White/Black skin. I suppose we should just be thankful they didn’t name them Clark and Daquan.
The game is good for thirty minutes of novelty or as a fairly decent sex sim. It’s got clothing options but a lot of them tend to clip into the body if you’ve messed around with the sliders. You can make the girl look like your dream girl, provided your dream girl looks fairly similar to the default settings they provide. The sliders in the body menu are also in desperate need of refinement, it being possible to make a girl whose stomach is literally thinner than the width of her wrists. Aside from that, the UI controls are a tad shitty, but if you really want to get off to simulated sex with a 3D girl, this will do in a pinch.
Truth told, I thought higher of this game before playing ILLUSION’s Honey Select. The only thing VRTitties really has over Honey Select is the ability to interact with the girl with the Vive Controllers, but that’s a novelty I’m willing to sacrifice. At $1 a month, even just for one month, it’s a bargain. You’d also be supporting an independent team purely making interactive VR porn content, so gold star to you. It’s definitely worth checking out, and might even get you there more than a couple times. Just don’t expect a flawless virtual sex experience – we might have to wait for the Matrix for that one.